Girl...Interrupted

Today is one of those days where I randomly went into deep thought. I always seem to do that at the weirdest times or during fun activities.

I thought about how I'm never satisfied and how I don't know how to gain the inner power to make things better for myself.

Also, how I always seem to get in the most down moods during occasions where I should be happy and loving life.

I figure that all my misfortune is because of me; you know that whole theory on you decide your own happiness.

I just feel like no one understands how to give me what I want or need. And its funny because I don't even understand how to give ME what I want or need.

Also, I was thinking about how bad I just want my life to have meaning. I want to do something productive and that I love. For instance, dance and direct films. I want to live the independent woman lifestyle. Not the type of woman that intimidates men and that are just straight scary lol, but the kind that can do for herself. Like the kind of woman that Ne-Yo describes in "She Got Her Own" and "Miss Independent."I just want to be busy creating and enlightening people's minds and lives. I want to be a fashion icon in my own little world and feel "boss" where ever I go. I already try to make myself feel boss where ever I go, but I want the full blown thing. Where I can go on random shopping sprees without going in debt, live in a bomb condo in a big city, having a wonderful work environment, and being a boss in the sense of having people under me following my order. Kinda like Kimora...she's bomb. Actually, a lot like Kimora.

I sit here excited and anxious thinking about everything that I want and how I AM going to have it all, but there are always those two bitches named Patience and Time that hold me back and anger me all over again.

Excuse me miss for the the "non-making sense" of this...

Dear Ricky,

DISCLAIMER: NOT MY BOYFRIEND

Just the boy that is nosy and who this blog is too since he inquired about it.

Get a life. Yea i got ur little facebook comment! lmao. soooo here it iss:

Yea I have a boyfriend RICKY! <--not my bf. And he's bomb. We've known each other for a little less than 2 years. Friends turned lovers =). It all startedd (for me) on prom weekend haha. I think it was something about watching him shower in the morning that made something inside go DING. (no nastiness). And I think something inside me got a little UPSET while at Six Flags the next day. But let's not relive the bad times!!! Then after a short period of time I was like "hmm Asia, why in the world would u be having these weird feelings towards your FRIEND." Then it hit me and I was afraid of the truth. Could it have been, should it have been, would it have been, that I....liked him? whoa that was weird. But I got over it and then I discovered...wait this isn't a one way thing, HE ACTUALLY liked me back! Wow. Then there was a dilemma...like there always is. But he made the right choice and ever since then it's been real good. He reminds me of nuts and chocolate =). The formula for any good candy bar. We take things slow. kinda. And are complete opposites but the same. Ying/Yang. He's mellow & I'm crazy. He abuses me & I take it. He rubs my tummy after I eat & I grab his booty in public. It's all normal!

anywaysss...

the summer's just beginning and we'll see where this takes us. I can't wait until Kool Kids & GNO minus one member + Asia really get's it poppin this summer cuz there will sure to be some memoriess! BAOMBB.

p.s.- i'll put pictures up when there is one i like.

Don't Worry...

I realized I dnt need to fret

about not having&being everything

I want bcuz one day, I will

be that&more&my presence WILL

make a statement ...

-THANK YOU.

Exactlyy what I've been talkin about...

This video is everything I want my films to consist of...

-bizarre

-pure beauty

-a little scary-scary can mean so many things ;-)

-sexy

-black&white

-abstract

-good musiq

Why i love Kanye&Rihanna...esp. together !!!!

Kanye West - Paranoid Starring Rihanna from vimeoLuv on Vimeo.

My life my life my life...in the sunshine

It's to the point where I just can't find it in me to entertain ignorance any longer. I use to laugh and let it slide, but now it's just a nuisance. I begin to feel sad and just have pity for those who indulge their lives in it; but like someone wise once told me, you can't feel sorry for those who don't feel sorry for themselves. 

It's like, as the end of senior  year comes I can feel myself growing and changing a lot more. I'm always with the guys (I've always been like that though) because girls be on some off shit -besides my mains =), I have a zero tolerance for being treated bad, I've steered away from those who don't fit the lifestyle I desire to lead, and I simply just don't care about things that won't make my life fruitful and meaningful. I feel like I'm finally done with all my phases; the wanna-be bad girl, the TIU girl, the mean girl, the sadity girl, the goody too-shoe girl, the scary girl, etc. I'm just me now, whether it's a combination of all that or none. I know that I am on this "purity" trip, where everything I do is PURE in the eyes of God and myself annnd, it feels good. When in church, the teen church pastor use to say how simple activities that I didn't think were bad, were sinful. I use to knock Christian's and believe that they just had no fun. NO drinking, smoking, partying, etc. how did  they live? But out of no-where I've been slowly cutting those things out of my life and, all be damned, I'm happier then I've ever been. I no longer wake up the next day thinking "I should have said NO!.." I am NOT perfect, I still have moments where I just want to go out and do some shit, but I'm just happy I'm finally getting back to my roots and not just talking about doing so anymore. 

Just Dancee

For longer than I can remember I've had an obsession with dance. Every song that comes on I swear I'm choreographing a dance in my head; I can't help but do that. I stopped taking dance lessons in my junior year and now finally, I have the time and courage to go after it again. I don't plan on being a Debbie Allen in my future, matter of fact, I want to be a film-maker, but I just have this on-going love affair with dance. We always cheat on each other or give up on each other, but now we're finally getting back together this summer and no one can change that. 

Food for Thought...

"The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of because words diminish your feelings—words shrink things that seem timeless when they are in your head to no more than living size when they are brought out."

Stolen from theoliviaalo.blogspot.com

Hmm...

So it's 7:56am and I got back from Grad night maybe an hour ago. I really don't know why I am awake right now. Anywho, I don't think the experience would have been the same if I were with any other group of friends...i love the koolkids. Grad night was amazingg. Katia and I found a new love for that crazy physco train ride-don't ask me what it's called, so we had to get on it twice.

For those who don't know grad night takes place during the wee hours of the night/morning. While in my delusional stage-the point where you're basically sleep walking, saying and doing things you don't know you're doing, and tripping over your own feet- I had a lottt of beautiful thoughts and idealologies pop up. Aka DEEP THINKING. I realized a lot about myself and how I fall victim to my leo-ness. I have an ego and I hate it! don't get me wrong, I am NOT conceded, just have an ego that get's bruised too easily. This summer, I plan to work on that. I don't like wanting to be the 'QUEEN OF THE JUNGLE' all the time, it's just in me.

Simply Put

Today was a good day. I'm learning to appreciate the simple, great attributes of life. Simply as, a good day. That's one more thing for me to thank God for blessing me with.

... =]

a wittle advice

Please, don't get involved with guys. Keep a cold heart until someone forces you to warm it up a little. And by force i mean...FORCE. I'm usually the girl who never shows feelings for any boy that I'm not sure is willing to give himself to me; in a non-possessive way. But seriously, I, for some stupid reason, thought it would be fun to do that for the first time ever and I REGRET IT. I should have kept my cute lil mouth closed and let the end of the school year ride out  but NO! I was bored with life and said "fuck it, why not admit this crush." Ever since I decided to do that, I am lowkey pissed everyday at myself for putting myself in a situation where there's another female involved :-o ( i swear im not messy) and to where I can't seem to get out of nor kind of want too. Im A MESS. I already know! Just please, pray that I make it another night without going off on someone random or "acting out" :-x ... bcuz of my rash emotions. I can't help but laugh at myself for being so passionate about a small ass situation when I've been in a lot of more serious ones that I could give a fuck about...(ghetto confused voice) wat da bizzness is?!!??!?

Signed,

A Lost Ass Female.

PS- If I can't handle this, I know I could never be some celebrity's side hoe =/.