You were my…First Love???

I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

–Pablo Neruda

(That’s a bit extreme for our relationship, but either way, it fit.)

 

For some reason, every time I see your picture. I miss you. Maybe you were significant for the fact that you caught me at such a young age or were truly the first person I could say I connected with. Maybe it was because you were the first person to be patient and willing to find out who I really was. And when you found out, I’ll never forget, you were amazed. Maybe it was because you were the first person to make me feel special and take me on adventures that I’ll never forget. You were free in your mind like me. The only difference is that you acted upon that freedom whereas I just dreamt about it. You were alwaysss there for me and encouraged me to be strong and embrace myself, whether you realize it or not. I saw how much closer we became and how we were almost inseparable. We talked all night and fell asleep on the phone together. I use to hear your ass snore lmao. You were from a whole different world and had already seen everything I had never been exposed too. I guess my innocence is what got you. I would never change or budge my beliefs for you so I guess that made you try harder lol.

It’s almost like we were suppose to be together, but we never did get that far. For some reason we just knew  it wouldn’t work out the way we wanted, although everything in the cards seemed right. But we just knew. Til this day my friends that knew how close we were thought we seriously were boyfriend and girlfriend lmao. You were my first best friend, my first love (of a person lol) even as dysfunctional as we were and how many times I swore on EVERYTHING that I would never talk to you again. You would piss me off that bad. You use to always say that one day in the future we would end up married because I was wifey material. lol. And although I never said it, I secretly wished that too. The connection just seemed that strong for that not to be true. =]

Time went on and we both got into HEAVY relationships. Soon, those relationships took over our lives and we fell apart, slowly, but surely. It kind of felt right that we grew up and apart and got lives that eliminated each other out completely. Although we both had random withdrawal moments where we called each other up @ weird hours like we use too and tried to relive what we had. It just didn’t work.

It’s been about 3 years now and still, every time I see your picture I laugh and smile, but then I get sad again. We’ve had brief convo’s on the phone but from how they went, we both know that ‘flame’ or that ‘THING’ isn’t there anymore.

But you were just a special person. You were special to everyone that knew you. And I never got jealous because I knew my place. High above the rest. But you are one of those people where the memory of you is far better then the reality of what it was. I guess I can turn good memories into my own fantasies of the good times we shared. The truth is, if I saw you today I might just say hi and give you a quick hug and keep walking. Never giving too much! I just thought about you because I’m finally leaving off to college. I was a nerd back then, obsessed with my grades and dreaming about college and you always encouraged that. So in my final days, before I step onto the next phase of my life, I just thought I’d look back and remember you one more time.

“Cross My Mind” By Jill Scott

ps- in about 5 minutes I’ll be asking myself why the hell did I write such a loving letter to someone that is so insignificant in my life now and quite frankly if I talk too for 30 seconds, I’ll be like “ugh, what was the point?” lol. I guess I just care about individual’s more then they care about me at times, which is one of my weaknesses. =[